Let’s talk a minute about the well-known video, “It’s Not About The Nail.” You’ve seen it right? (If not, you need to! Here's a link.)
Anyway, for many years, I watched the video and chuckled about how this woman has a huge nail in her head which she refuses to remove. I mean she has this obvious problem, and she is unwilling to solve it. Crazy right??
Yet, I remember the moment—my personal aha—when I came to a different understanding. It became clear, it was true; most often it has nothing to do with the nail and has everything to do with feeling validated. Everyone has a desire and need to feel seen and understood! As a good friend and fellow life coach said recently, “the need for validation as human beings is as essential for us as food, air, and water.”
There are various reasons people don’t experience validation in their relationships . Some confuse validation with expressing agreement. Or maybe you are like me, and you tend to be a “fixer” and a “doer.” I mean, that nail is painful, and wouldn’t it be more helpful to pull it out and alleviate the problem altogether and do it right now?! Some worry validation decreases one’s ability to be resilient. Many of us, simply aren’t very good at it and don’t recognize its value.
However, the evidence is clear, if you are looking for deeper connections and to have greater communication in your relationships, validation is one thing that can be incorporated into most relationships that will help them thrive. Leo Rosten said:
“Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.”
So how do we do it? First, understand what validation is and then practice, practice, practice! Let’s look at a few examples of validating versus invalidating statements:
As followers of Christ, just like everything we do, improving our relationships is part of the process of becoming more like Him. And just like always, He is the great example of how to do it. Mark Ogletree who is a marriage and family counselor described this beautifully when he wrote:
“As you engage in meaningful conversations…guide your actions and words by following the example of Jesus Christ. His communication with others radiated love, care, and concern. He spoke gently and loved purely. He showed compassion and granted forgiveness. He listened attentively and demonstrated charity. Likewise, if we want our relationships to improve, we must learn to speak in positive ways that edify and build those around us."
So where can we start? Start with listening. Listen with a desire to truly understand—to understand another's emotions in their experience. And then you might simply respond, “That makes sense.”
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