Several years ago, I learned about the concept of marriage rituals as an important ingredient to healthy marriages.[i] Why are establishing rituals in our relationships so important?
It is SO easy to allow everyday living to get in the way of connecting with each other—whether it is running children to team practices, dance, or music lessons; doing laundry, cooking dinner, or working and managing our family finances; or pursuing our individual growth and development. Intentionally creating rituals to connect with each other is a significant way to increase the intimacy and emotional connection in our relationships.
What are some ways we can do this?
First, let’s talk about the difference between routines and rituals in relationships. Dr. William J. Doherty, marriage and family therapist and author of “Take Back Your Marriage” explains that marriage rituals have three main components. They are:
Repeated
A ritual can take place daily, weekly, or even once a year. The frequency is not necessarily important, but they are repeated.
Coordinated
It won’t be much of a ritual if one person doesn’t know when to show up to participate, so coordination is an important aspect of a successful ritual.
Significant
They have a positive emotional meaning for each person involved.
Routines in our relationships are repeated and can be coordinated, however, they lack the emotional meaning that makes them significant to either one or both parties. It is this element—significance—that is a key to distinguish the difference between a routine and a ritual.
For example, when COVID hit, my husband began working full-time from home. We realized quickly that some of our favorite daily connection rituals were no longer happening such as a phone call at lunchtime or a welcome home kiss. Without these designated little ways of connecting, our time together began to feel routine.
So, we created a new, simple, fun little ritual—one that continues today. Around 10:00 am we step away from work and studies, jump in the car, and drive to our favorite soda shop. In the 15 minutes it takes to get our drink, we laugh, talk about our day, and enjoy a favorite treat together. This is repeated, coordinated, and significant to us as we emotionally connect with each other each day.
Just as each relationship is different, marital rituals look different in every relationship. And what is routine for one couple may very well be a ritual for another.
Here are some everyday ways to create connection in your marriage:
Don’t hold back! Begin today! We can create meaning and prevent the routines of daily life from being the driving and dominant force within our relationships. Dr. Doherty wisely states:
"The key to growing a marriage that is personal, and not just logistical, is to be intentional about the connection rituals of every day life. If more couples did this, I am convinced that a lot of divorce lawyers and marital therapists would be out of business. Doing it is within the reach of all of us, no matter what our family backgrounds or personal problems or past marital problems."
What rituals can you and your spouse implement today to deepen the connection you feel for each other? The effort you take together will pay off in profound ways.
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