A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the importance of using validation in our communication with others as a way of creating more meaningful connections. I briefly described some examples of validating versus invalidating responses. In today’s blog, I share some specifics of what validation is and what it is not.
To begin, here’s a scenario illustrating times, when in the mix of raising children, I forgot the value of validation and thus, missed opportunities to connect with them. Maybe you can relate?
[Child arrives home after school]
Me: “Hey there! I’m so happy you’re home.”
Child: “Hi!” [throws backpack on the ground by the door].
Me: “Remember to hang your backpack in its place” [feeling a little irritated that I have to I remind them every day]. “How was school?”
Child: “Fine.”
Me: “Just fine?”
Child: “Yes, except for recess.”
Me: “What happened at recess?” [putting on my Mom, The Mighty Problem Solver Hat].
Child: “No one would play with me.”
Me: “Really? No one? Did you ask someone to play with you?”
Child: “Everyone was busy playing with another person.”
Me: “Is there a group of friends you usually play with?”
Child: “Yes, but they ran away and tried to hide from me today.”
Me: “Did you do something that bothered them?”
Child: “No, I don’t think so.”
Me: “You’re sure?”
Child: “Yes” [feeling deflated].
Me: “Maybe you could have tried to find someone else who was alone at recess and played with them instead. Who else could you have asked?”
Child: “But I really wanted to play with my friends.”
Me: “I know, but it's so fun to make more friends. What can you do to find someone else to play with next time?”
Child: [becoming discouraged] “I don’t know. I just want to go watch TV and have a snack.”
The intentions behind my actions were good. I sincerely wanted to help my child become resilient, not be held back by life’s disappointments, and problem solve. Is there anything wrong with that?
No, nothing at all! These are important skills everyone should learn. The problem was in the timing.
Often, in the moment, the best thing to do is sit with a loved one in empathy, curiosity, and sincerity. Typically, we aren’t looking to others to solve our problem. We just need someone to SEE and UNDERSTAND our struggle.
Looking back, this is what I wish would have happened.
Me: “Hey there! I’m so happy you’re home.”
Child: “Hi!” [throws backpack on the ground by the door] .
Me: “Remember to hang your backpack in its place” [feeling a little irritated I remind them every day]. “How was school today?”
Child: “Fine.”
Me: “Just fine?”
Child: “Yes, except for recess.”
Me: “What happened at recess?” [putting on my Mom, Who Listens to Understand Hat].
Child: “No one would play with me.”
Me: “Really? No one?”
Child: “Everyone was busy playing with another person.”
Me: “I’m so sorry. What did you do?”
Child: “I just sat on the swings by myself.”
Me: “I see. How did that feel?”
Child: “I felt really sad.”
Me: “I understand. I would have felt that way too" [hug each other]. "Are you worried about recess tomorrow?”
Child: “No, I think it will be better tomorrow." Me: "I'm glad. It's sounds like you aren't worried."
Child: "Not really. I’m going to go eat my snack now and watch TV for a few minutes. Thanks, mom. I love you!”
Me: “I love you too."
Author and psychotherapist Richard Carlson wrote:
“Being heard and understood is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to [hear and understand] are the most loved and respected.”
Being validated invites healing.
Here are two infographics you might reflect on to consider what validation can feel like with those people you love and the relationships you hold most dear.
Don't get discouraged if you struggle at first. Just keep practicing! For many, validation is not something that comes naturally. Practice with your children. Practice with your mom. Practice with your spouse. Practice with your friends and co-workers. Just like any new skill it can be learned. Then watch those invisible walls start to come down.
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